Stuck

Ever get that feeling like your stuck? I have so many dreams, wishes, and goals I want to get to, yet i still glued in place-reaching for the stars and missing. I keep trying to move myself forward- with a result of moving 3 steps back- I feel like I have been in a daze state for the last 3 years of my life. Why was I not paying attention to where my life was going? Is it possible to run out of time? Could I have missed my opportunity to achieve something more? Is being fed up enough to move on? How much more does it take? Looking and searching isn't helping- I want to be doing, but how- where do you start- how do you get there- you know that happy place where things fall into place- where you finally feel like you made it- do we ever get to that place? I want the "perfect" job, i want the nice house, i want the little once- the only thing I have really accomplished is marrying a great guy- which don't get me worng is awesome- but i want more for myself- I don't want to just "marry well" i want to know I can stand on my own two feet and that we both married well! I am so excited about where we want our life to go...I am just getting very impatient waiting to get there... i hate waiting...waiting....waiting...

Opinions

Everyone has an opinion, most of us try to express our often. My question is why? Why to we try so hard to express our opinions? Is it just because we want people to listen to us or do we just want to sway others to our opinions? If we want people to just listen and respect it- how to we know they are really listening? How do listen to an opinion and acknowledge it, but at the same time express your own? I hate expressing my opinion and someone acting like i didn't say anything?! I do wonder if this is on me or the other person? Am I the one that thinks they are not listening, simply because they didn't change their opinion to mine? Or is it really that they don't hear me? How do we graciously offer and receive opinions?

Tears...

I usually hate that burning sensation on my lower lids, or that lump in my throat...but sometimes the cool drippings down my cheeks are exactly what I need. I think sometimes tears can be the best way to let your emotions out-it is often more effective than screaming- although sometimes that feels good to. It never ceases to amaze me what people can endure through out a day and how different things unravel different people. I watched my boss get beat down by a man's onslaught of words- yet she stood there and took it with a smile- granted I think that was a way for her to cover up the fact that she was grinding her teeth- but still, I stood there just listening and nearly cried! The way that the man spoke to her was completely degrading and no matter what- nobody deserves that- yet she took it in stride- I on the other hand was ready to break into tears after I was passed over for advice all day- and being used mainly as a mule- that is what i get for being 25 i guess- I hate that I am really a strong outspoken person, but that has bitten me so many times in the past- that at this job I try very hard not to speak out to often- or try to be to domineering and now that seems to be biting me in the butt! How can you assert yourself without coming off as a control freak? How can I prove that I can be a great worker, but not get used/abused? Why do people expect you to be able to do everything? Why is not ok to just have a "job"- a task that is tailored for/by you-one you can do to perfection over and over? No instead they want you to do several hundred things well- Its lunacy to me! Am I the only that feels this way? Is that why I end up having issues with everyone I work for? Is it truly me or the jobs I find myself in..?

Finally- someone listened

Well today I finally went somewhere that actually thinks that something may be wrong with me..I mean besides the obvious idiosyncrasies and anxiety. :) I spoke with someone that looked at me eye to eye, comforted me with an explanation that actually made sense to me. He spoke to me like I knew something was wrong with my body. He spoke to me like I wasn't crazy or a hypochondriac- now let's hope my blood work actually turns something up- but I think these doctors will not let me leave with out an answer or solution to my problem...wish me luck!

Crossing Paths

Take a minute and think about all the people you meet. The guy that lets you merge over, the girl at the checkout, the friend you called, the spouse you cuddle with at night...what effect do you have on these people? Do you leave a good impression on the strangers you meet? Do make your friends and family love you a little bit more each time you meet them? Could you actually be pushing them each time you meet them? What effect do you have on them? Do they look to you for advice? for support? or do the just wait for you to leave? What about the people you teach? Are you leaving a positive impression on them? Will they look back on their lives and remember you? Will they remember what you taught them- did you inspire them to do great things? Did you inspire them to do better? Wouldn't it be great if you could know those things? Most people don't stop and thank you for what you do or did. If you have never thanked that school teacher, karate instructor, the dance teacher, the relative that helped guide you- maybe you should- let them know they improved your life- and hey maybe if they didn't let them know that too- help improve their lives- Take time to thank those around you- for whatever it is they do/help in your life-

Destiny

Destiny is, according to Wikipedia, a predetermined course of events. It may be conceived as a predetermined future, whether in general or of an individual. Okay well that sounds good and all..but what is it really? Are we all destined to accomplish certain things in life..is it all great things? How do we know if we fulfill our destinies? Is that why some of us feel at odds with our life and life decisions-because we have not fulfilled our destinies? How are we supposed to figure out what that is? Although, it does seem some of us are destined for certain things- that  kid that bandages all his pets becomes a great vet, the child that plays classroom with dolls becomes a teacher- but some of us are not so easy to figure out. What about all us "artsy" people- the ones that seem to "drift"- are we not destined for greatness as well? Many of us also have multiple passions- how can we choose which passion will lead us to our destiny? Obviously I am feeling a bit conflicted- I feel as is I am missing something..something is missing in my life- I feel like an incomplete puzzle- Is it my anxiety? Is it my depression? Is it my job? My marriage? My family? Where is my conflict stemming from? Is it because I know I am missing something? Do I subconsciously know that I am on the wrong path or that i need to start looking for a new path? Am I just stubborn for thinking that I meant to do more in my life-than what I am doing now? Is this something that everyone feels or just some us? Does it really mean we are missing something? I do  think that we all have purpose in life and that we mean something to someone..but I think we need to  mean the most to ourselves. If we are not happy with ourselves we can not be happy for or with anyone else. The big question is how do we get there? How do we find ourselves- get to our destinies-or at least get to where we feel fulfilled- There of course is not easy answer to this question, but can't someone at least provide a road map?

The D-Word

The D-word...that horrible word that married couples never want to hear...DIVORCE..why is this word so scary- it is just a word right? It is often said in times of frustration..hurt....or anger..but that word can leave an emotional scar the size of the grand canyon. It causes such pain and floods of tears. Why is it so scary? Unless your spouse actually says- "I want a divorce" it is just a word right? Wrong- it brings up so many emotions- why did they say that word? Did they mean? Would he/she really leave me? Can we fix this? Are they right?  Is is because it seems so easy and common that when that word is uttered that we all clench? Why does it feel like the wind has been knocked out of you? My advice is to outlaw that word in your marriage- Make it so that you can't/won't say it in an argument- that is one of those words that can not just be taken back or erased- it will overshadow everything you say and do for awhile after- petrifying you- being overly cautious in everything you say and do- and can drive a large wedge between you and your spouse- Just a word huh? Sticks and Stones right?  WRONG- Emotional scars heal slower than the physical ones- watch what you say- you never know if you can really take it back.