On the Road Again

It is funny to me when you are driven by love sickness you will do anything. I used to drive 2.5 hours to see my boyfriend ( now husband) at least once a week if not twice a week! No fear and no care in the world, now I hate making that drive home. 2.5 hours is too long to be in a car by yourself. I have become spoiled since my husband is always with me on these trips- what are you going to do. I just need to put by big girl panties on and blast my 80's music and enjoy the drive I guess. I really have been dealing with my anxiety pretty well, but I must admit right now my heart is racing and I do not want to get in that car... I love my car...but I don't want to be alone with her for 2.5 hours....sigh ok here I go- suck it up, breathe in and out, breathe in and out...on the road again....

Gut feelings

We all have that little voice in our heads..you know the one we usually ignore?  Or that feeling in the pit of your stomach..that something is not right? Or maybe even a tingling sensation over your entire body? Why do we so often not listen to that little voice/feeling? How do we test and know that it is correct.. we all know that sometimes it's wrong, but what if it's not? Would we all be better off if we learned to listen and trust our gut? If we did it more often, maybe we could fine tune it and know when to really listen and when not to. I know that there have been several times that I think i should have listened to my gut and I wouldn't be in this situation. Sigh... it is so hard to trust yourself, when there are so many other voices to tell you that you are wrong..or maybe wrong- just enough doubt yourself. Why is it so easy to cast doubt in yourself? Why are we not built to be head strong and confident? All of us should be built to have confidence, and graciousness. We can be confident in ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts, yet gracious enough to listen to other ideas and thoughts...ahh a perfect world right?

I dont want to grow up

It happens to all of us we wake up one day and realize we are adults- although I have decided that is not much different then being a kid. Yes there are more responsibilities, you know paying bills, getting a job, but ultimately I think that is it. I feel like that all adult issues can be directly compared to children's issues.."it's my toy- so you can't have it"...."My toy is bigger/better than your toy"..well " he/she hit me first"...I mean stop and think about it...we never really graduate..we never really grow up. The issues we deal with as children and teenagers seems to haunt us for the rest of our lives. We always fight to find ourselves among our friends, co-workers and families. We struggle with our self image, self esteem and trying to fit in with some group- maybe not always the "cool" kids, but a group none the less.  We still struggle with trusting ourselves and our decisions. We still deal with bullies and may even find ourselves being the bully. I personally struggle with finding my big girl voice, I think we all our scared children inside our big adult bodies. I find it hard to stand up to people older than me and to stand my ground. I always feel like I am being judged because I am the younger one, I feel a lot of people see me and assume that I am young that I couldn't possibly understand. See? Again we always feel like a kid and in reality we will always be a kid to someone. There will always be some one older than us that assumes we are too young to understand. I really hate it- It seems no matter how strong I get there is always somewhere that (I let) strike me down. I will admit a lot if its on me, on us- we have to rise above, but it seems harder when the person is older or more established that us. How do we respect our elders and when do we stand on our own and understand we are on the same playing field?

Sleepy..very sleepy`

Why is sleep so allusive? How is it possible to fall asleep long enough to dream, but not long enough to feel rested? I was really unaware that I would need to play a game of hide and seek with sleep, or maybe it is a game of tag...maybe that is why I am losing; I don't know what game I am playing! My eyes will be so heavy they can't stay open, yet as soon as I lay my head on the pillow I am awake..or at least my mind is..  I was really starting to get good at shutting my brain off at night, at least trying not to actively think of things that needed to be done, didn't get done, or something bothering me. I have been using a noise machine of waves-so that I can concentrate on the sounds of the waves..and not the chirping of my thoughts. When I do get a thought- I complete it, then tell myself that I need to stop and let it go. I try to imagine the old play-dough hair salon..you know the one where you put the little person on the salon chair and push play-dough through it to make hair? I try to imagine my mind pushing the thoughts out and cascading out of my head...hey everyone has there own way. Although I guess since sleep has been evading me for 2 nights its not a good way! We should have been created with a thought switch- so we could turn it off!

Oh well..So I wonder why I am always so fearful about everything I do? I usually am good at what I do, yet I am almost always on the defense, ready in case I do something wrong. For example my boss just texted me about some fabrics that she had called and asked me to pull for her...I did it- now I am petrified that I grabbed the wrong ones..like butterflies in the stomach and everything...I am trying to tell myself if it was really that urgent she would have 1) done it herself, 2) texted me before 9:30, but then I really don't want to disappoint and not do it right...sigh perfectionism is such a silly goal...someday I will grasp that right? To ease my anxious mind- I should have texted her pictures of what I had pulled-see learning from mistakes (listening to the little voice in my head) Yes I need to learn from my mistakes and understand that it happens to everyone..and most people are forgiving and laid back..of course that is on minor things-surgeries or permanent mistakes are not so easily forgiven. In other words learn to only make small mistakes to avoid big mistakes, right? If it were that simple to digest-- I wouldn't have a blog about anxious thoughts, that my dear readers are why they are anxious thoughts..because they are usually irrational stemming from the rational- Rational thinking is I want to make my boss happy- Irrational is fearing disappointing her and have butterflies until I hear I did a good job---Duh - In other words anxious people can make great employees- as long as we are anxious about pleasing and doing a good job..why do I feel like I just described the winning qualities in a dog ?

ahhh..football and funny tv

Hmm football games and Community....FUNNY SHOW... roasted chicken, mac & cheese, mashed potatoes and uhhh cranberry lemondae :) That is all---

Chainsaws really grind me gears

So we had a pretty large tree fall in yard a few weeks ago- not a good sound when you are trying to go to bed I would like to add. Then several limbs fell again and ripped all the cables out of our house...so no power, no cable, and a phone line laying in our yard. We finally got all the lines fixed (I'll spare you that long story..for now anyway) and now someone my husband works with is helping cut the tree down into manageable pieces. I want to say it scares me that two computer geeks, um IT Developers..are running chainsaws in my backyard. I also want to express that hearing the chainsaw go on and on and on, is really grating on my nerves. It borders on that hole nails on a chalkboard...It makes me cringe just minus the cold chills. Why can't they make things like that with a muffler or something so that the entire neighborhood doesn't have to listen to it...and me--since I am above the noise in the living room...gaaaa. On the happy side of life I had Starbuck's Caramel Apple Spice...HMMM warms the soul on a nippy day! On the sadder side of life I got my new license picture done today..BLEH... I hate having a bad picture...hopefully it will grow on me like my last one lol. Oh I also finished a new wreath today, wuhu- that includes felt flowers and all ( as mentioned in my last post) it looks good and my "client" loves it! Can't wait to give it to her! I will also have a new website too to sell my wreaths and floral arrangements...that is if my husband ever finishes and does it the way I want. We have been having..umm Creative differences so far...hopefully I, the "client" will triumph!

Felt Flowers

Who ever said that felt flowers are easy...I think they were wrong- Just looking at the plans are not at all how I thought it would go! Here is hoping I don't psych myself before I even start! On second thought, I'm sure I won't, only because I am making them for a friend's wreath. It is my new side business venture- I was hoping CAD work would be, but that didn't pan out so why not go to something I enjoy doing? Creating Wreaths and Floral arrangements- besides the potential anxiety over deadlines, this could be very therapeutic for me. I think it will be a great  for my self esteem- people buying my products and all..then again if no one buys any then it might have a negative effect..here is to happy thoughts and a positive outlook right?

This then that

Well lets recap the day shall we? This morning I got to work 10 minutes early only to discover I left my phone at home! I would normally leave it, but my boss sometimes texts me if she is not in the office and I was planning to run an errand after work, so I wanted to be able to tell my husband where I was going after work. So I drove all the way back- definitely  a mini panic attack, luckily I was only 5 minutes late. Then through out the day it just seemed I couldn't focus, I would set something down and forget why! Duh, I also seemed to go from one task to another- I was up on ladders, on the phone, running errands- it was a fast paced work day!  On my way home I apparently irritated a runner, because after I made my turn( I had a green light) he hit my car! Really dude? I swung wide so that I could make the turn through the crosswalk before he even got there! He continued to run and then hit my car with his hand! Talk about Road Rage- I had half a mind to stop the car and yell choice words at him! He had the ability to slow down- don't want to slow your pace while you run? then run somewhere where you don't have to cross the road-DUR! Oh well, I get home and also realized I brought my boss's credit card home!! that's a big oops- so I will be a nervous wreck until I can return it- this is when I wish I had keys- then I could drop it off into her office tonight- but I can't :/ Oh well, she knows I have it-- so phew a little I guess...

Oh I need to apologize for my first post apparently- my husband read it and said I horribly mistyped- and misspelled- I warned you - the sad things is I spelled checked it and read it through- So I guess I can't read either! Oh sad sad day when you have to say that right? LOL
I really can spell and read I promise :)

OLS Syndrome

The thing I really hate about an anxious mind is the fact that it feels like my brain is running on a hamster wheel! It just keeps going and going-jumping form one thought to another. These aren't always new thoughts either, it's most often the same handful of thoughts that get analyzed to death, but never makes you feel better. On the flip ides there is a part of my brain that is able to distract itself. Such as spotting a squirrel cleaning itself on a branch outside my kitchen window, and that is enough to distract the hamster wheel! So not only do I suffer from anxiety- I suffer from OLS, "Oh Look Shiny" Syndrome! I do think that if we all don't have a little OLS syndrome we would all wallow in our self pity and depression. Having the ability to appreciate that silly thing, or the funny thing, or something that just shocks your brain silent- is what keeps most of us a float. Think about how many times you have been in a conversation and see something out of the corner of your eye..and it makes you go "uhh..", "oooo"... or "wow". Come on admit it it has happened to you and its usually something silly- like awesome shoes, a cool car, a hot guy/girl, a silly outfit, the oblivious person that walks into something...the list goes on... Thank you for OLS Syndrome to distract our silly little minds!

First Blog

Breathe, Just breathe... I seem to tell myself that a lot....

As a person that deals with anxiety and depression, I am always astounded at what my mind can come up with. So why not share some of my anxious genius with all of you? Why not create a place where anyone can express those random thoughts that stem from over thinking or being the worry wart?

Writers..(Un)block:

I have found journaling to be very therapeutic for me and I will try to pass along remedies to you too! I promise not to put every graphoc detail fo my life anf my crazy brain, but I will try tp post highlights of anxiety attatcks to tears to fits of giggles.

Spoiler alert:

I will also warn you my typing is horrible, so it really isnt that I can't spell, its that I can't type and I dont always remember to proofread  ( see anxiety ;) )

To my readers and fellow bloggers:

So Welcome to the roller coaster of my anxious mind, 

don't worry no admission fee or tickets required!