Why is sleep so allusive? How is it possible to fall asleep long enough to dream, but not long enough to feel rested? I was really unaware that I would need to play a game of hide and seek with sleep, or maybe it is a game of tag...maybe that is why I am losing; I don't know what game I am playing! My eyes will be so heavy they can't stay open, yet as soon as I lay my head on the pillow I am awake..or at least my mind is.. I was really starting to get good at shutting my brain off at night, at least trying not to actively think of things that needed to be done, didn't get done, or something bothering me. I have been using a noise machine of waves-so that I can concentrate on the sounds of the waves..and not the chirping of my thoughts. When I do get a thought- I complete it, then tell myself that I need to stop and let it go. I try to imagine the old play-dough hair salon..you know the one where you put the little person on the salon chair and push play-dough through it to make hair? I try to imagine my mind pushing the thoughts out and cascading out of my head...hey everyone has there own way. Although I guess since sleep has been evading me for 2 nights its not a good way! We should have been created with a thought switch- so we could turn it off!
Oh well..So I wonder why I am always so fearful about everything I do? I usually am good at what I do, yet I am almost always on the defense, ready in case I do something wrong. For example my boss just texted me about some fabrics that she had called and asked me to pull for her...I did it- now I am petrified that I grabbed the wrong ones..like butterflies in the stomach and everything...I am trying to tell myself if it was really that urgent she would have 1) done it herself, 2) texted me before 9:30, but then I really don't want to disappoint and not do it right...sigh perfectionism is such a silly goal...someday I will grasp that right? To ease my anxious mind- I should have texted her pictures of what I had pulled-see learning from mistakes (listening to the little voice in my head) Yes I need to learn from my mistakes and understand that it happens to everyone..and most people are forgiving and laid back..of course that is on minor things-surgeries or permanent mistakes are not so easily forgiven. In other words learn to only make small mistakes to avoid big mistakes, right? If it were that simple to digest-- I wouldn't have a blog about anxious thoughts, that my dear readers are why they are anxious thoughts..because they are usually irrational stemming from the rational- Rational thinking is I want to make my boss happy- Irrational is fearing disappointing her and have butterflies until I hear I did a good job---Duh - In other words anxious people can make great employees- as long as we are anxious about pleasing and doing a good job..why do I feel like I just described the winning qualities in a dog ?
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