Random Thoughts of An Anxious Mind: Sick and Tired......Again so Kiss it

Random Thoughts of An Anxious Mind: Sick and Tired......Again so Kiss it:  Halloween, a day of wicked fun, candy, costumes and parties...unless your pregnant like me. I'm home sick from work feeling nauseous l...

Sick and Tired......Again so Kiss it

 Halloween, a day of wicked fun, candy, costumes and parties...unless your pregnant like me. I'm home sick from work feeling nauseous laying on the floor(that needs a major vacuuming) trying to type so I do not feel like a complete waste of space. That feeling of worthlessness is truly the most debilitating symptom of this pregnancy. Having to feel like death and watch chores pile up is in itself enough to drive me over the edge. I'm not a clean freak by any means, I have learned when weighing chores into the big scheme of life, they don't weigh much. I can handle a lazy day now and again; where my husband I do something we want to do or choose to do nothing. The dishes in the sink can get done tomorrow, the laundry will eventually find its way to the washer/dryer, maybe it will even get folded, the dog hair will still be on the rug later- we can vacuum then. A few days of this I can handle, but it's been piling up for nearly 8 weeks! From the beginning I have been feeling bad- the first day I thought I was pregnant by back was killing me and I was wiped! The cramping and back pain continued for the first several weeks- causing me oh just a wee bit of anxiety I was constantly googling 4 weeks pregnant with back pain? 5 weeks with back pain? (I had no idea I was really only 2 or 3 weeks) There were tons of posts making me feel better saying it was normal, thank goodness!  Most people around me had never had these symptoms, making me worry, then sending me to google to confirm I was ok. (as a side note cooking bacon while sick is a very dumb idea- bleck) Then after the pain came the sickness- then begins the feelings of worthlessness. Of course I feel that way- I work all day taking deep breaths between calls (I work at a call center, no I'm not a telemarketer) trying not to be sick, or laying my head down when the room starts spinning, then come home and crash; looking at the carpet that needs to be vacuumed, seeing the dust layer on the furniture or smelling the blankets that smell like our fur baby. My husband tries- he does, but it is a lot for 1 person to handle. He has made or picked up dinner this whole time and kept that laundry clean, along with unloading and reloading the dishwasher. I have to give him some credit! The gross reality is that bathrooms have not been cleaned- floors haven't been cleaned in weeks and we ( I mean he) finally got the sheets washed last night- including the blanket and comforter! What was I doing? Well I'm happy to report I managed to cook some noodles for a pasta salad, rolled mini sausages in bacon for a work potluck( that I missed ) and carved a pumpkin ( for work that I also missed)- granted it took me hours because for every 10 movements I made I'd have to lay down.

You can imagine how work is gong for me too, trying to talk to people in between bouts of nausea, having to pee or worse every hour- then comes the anxiety of taking too long on breaks, then on the days that I simply can not drag myself to work comes the anxiety of  losing my job  from missing too many days! As a woman we are supposed to be able to be pregnant, do everything we did before and be happy about it; well kiss my pregnant ass! Some pregnant ladies can do it and really have no problem with it, but those of us that draw the short straw and feel sick; it is simply not that easy. It's hard to do anything while feeling like hurling any minute and trust me I hate it! If I could wake up tomorrow feeling good I would love to get all the things that need to get done- work overtime to make up hours? Sure I can do that! Not call in for 30 days? I'd love not to be sick.

 I have a whole new level of respect for all pregnant women, especially those that manage to find a way to push past the sickness overcoming the feelings of worthlessness...then again these women kind of make me look bad...I'm sick and no amount of crackers, ginger tea or nexium is fixing it- so maybe it is time for corporate America to re-think how we treat pregnancy- want us to repopulate- grow healthy babies? Then get off our backs when we are late because we spent the morning throwing up, or we call in because any/all movement makes us ill or the mere mention of food sends us running to the bathroom. We may choose to be pregnant, but we never choose to be sick or tired nor do we ask our hormones to set us in a whirlwind of mood swings. For  nine months you can tolerate us, we have to tolerate you the rest of the time.

All new anxiety with a 9 mos countdown

Yup, you read that title right, this anxious lady is now an anxious mama. No I'm not going to say mom to be, because once you know there is a small being growing inside you, you are a mom; at least in name! Go ahead argue with a sick and already hormonal woman, I dare you.

I'm just now 8 weeks, let me tell you it feels the same as 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks....miserable. The upside is I have not been puking my guts out like I feared, but being constantly  nauseous is still in the recipe for being miserable. To finish off the recipe for misery is utter exhaustion, working full time, feeling generally crappy, and just being plain worn out.  Imagine having the flu (runny nose included) for (so far) 8 weeks straight.

That moment of joy/excitement/fear when I got that test with 2 very visible pink lines is already distant memory drowned by the miserable recipe. It is truly a nightmare to feel this bad and to completely feel drained of any excitement. I simply do not have the energy to think about what to buy for baby or me, to plan for the future we are embarking on, or really do anything! I had heard about morning sickness, I heard about being tired....No amount of warning truly prepares you for this. Granted understand that this is my journey, yours may be (bless you) worse or nothing like mine( I will envy any/all women you do not go through this).

Now don't misunderstand me, my ramblings will get more cheerful (I hope) as I reach this mystical 12 week time frame, where the heavens open, sprinkle me with angel dust and allow me to feel like I have been wrapped in rainbows, renewing me with energy, taking away my nausea, replacing it with a glow.....obviously I am being just a tiny bit skeptical, "wait till the 2nd trimester" or " it gets better around 12 weeks", all I can see is I'll believe it when I can accomplish more than feeding and dressing myself (yes I am still wiping myself sheesh).

Did I mention that despite all this I am still excited to meet this lil one? I've decided all women are engineered with a certain level of amnesia...think about it, by the time this lil one is in my arms my guess is I will magically forget how miserable I am right now or how much pain I was probably just in. Women would have to be built this way, or the species would have died out long ago, or some scientist would have found a way for men to carry babies....because I'm sure they could handle it so much better ; )

Overwhelmed

I hate when you feel like you have been walking down the yellow brick road and you are finally going to meet the wizard...then bam the feeling the wicked witch is watching you through her crystal ball comes over you. That eerie feeling that a flying monkey is going to grab you and take you away! Sigh with so much going on in life its hard to ever feel like you are going to get to the wizard and find out you really are just fine minus a little boost in confidence- do we ever truly become stable adults? Or do we just push forward with life and hope that the instability becomes more of a slight dizziness? Do we ever get to the end?

Stuck

Ever get that feeling like your stuck? I have so many dreams, wishes, and goals I want to get to, yet i still glued in place-reaching for the stars and missing. I keep trying to move myself forward- with a result of moving 3 steps back- I feel like I have been in a daze state for the last 3 years of my life. Why was I not paying attention to where my life was going? Is it possible to run out of time? Could I have missed my opportunity to achieve something more? Is being fed up enough to move on? How much more does it take? Looking and searching isn't helping- I want to be doing, but how- where do you start- how do you get there- you know that happy place where things fall into place- where you finally feel like you made it- do we ever get to that place? I want the "perfect" job, i want the nice house, i want the little once- the only thing I have really accomplished is marrying a great guy- which don't get me worng is awesome- but i want more for myself- I don't want to just "marry well" i want to know I can stand on my own two feet and that we both married well! I am so excited about where we want our life to go...I am just getting very impatient waiting to get there... i hate waiting...waiting....waiting...

Opinions

Everyone has an opinion, most of us try to express our often. My question is why? Why to we try so hard to express our opinions? Is it just because we want people to listen to us or do we just want to sway others to our opinions? If we want people to just listen and respect it- how to we know they are really listening? How do listen to an opinion and acknowledge it, but at the same time express your own? I hate expressing my opinion and someone acting like i didn't say anything?! I do wonder if this is on me or the other person? Am I the one that thinks they are not listening, simply because they didn't change their opinion to mine? Or is it really that they don't hear me? How do we graciously offer and receive opinions?

Tears...

I usually hate that burning sensation on my lower lids, or that lump in my throat...but sometimes the cool drippings down my cheeks are exactly what I need. I think sometimes tears can be the best way to let your emotions out-it is often more effective than screaming- although sometimes that feels good to. It never ceases to amaze me what people can endure through out a day and how different things unravel different people. I watched my boss get beat down by a man's onslaught of words- yet she stood there and took it with a smile- granted I think that was a way for her to cover up the fact that she was grinding her teeth- but still, I stood there just listening and nearly cried! The way that the man spoke to her was completely degrading and no matter what- nobody deserves that- yet she took it in stride- I on the other hand was ready to break into tears after I was passed over for advice all day- and being used mainly as a mule- that is what i get for being 25 i guess- I hate that I am really a strong outspoken person, but that has bitten me so many times in the past- that at this job I try very hard not to speak out to often- or try to be to domineering and now that seems to be biting me in the butt! How can you assert yourself without coming off as a control freak? How can I prove that I can be a great worker, but not get used/abused? Why do people expect you to be able to do everything? Why is not ok to just have a "job"- a task that is tailored for/by you-one you can do to perfection over and over? No instead they want you to do several hundred things well- Its lunacy to me! Am I the only that feels this way? Is that why I end up having issues with everyone I work for? Is it truly me or the jobs I find myself in..?