Thoughts

I find that as someone dealing with anxiety and depression- lots of things seem to bother me for no particular reason. I get the physical signs first such as butterflies in my stomach, tense muscles and I find myself wondering, why am i getting like this?

I had a thought this evening- if we were truly honest with ourselves - we would know exactly why we are feeling this way. We so often try to hide our true feelings, most often I think it's because we are ashamed. Nobody wants to admit when they are fearful, jealous of a sibling, wanting more attention, or just feeling out of sorts. If we could learn to be completely honest with ourselves, we could learn to evaluate our feelings, making it much easier to deal with them before they overwhelm us. So I know that this is a personal channel for me and I hope you will try it with me!

Pet peeves

So for those of you that don't know, I work in retail- which can be a fun and exciting place to work- however it has its down falls. For example Holidays are a bust because it is so hard to get time off and you start seeing christmas things in OCTOBER! Another is while you can meet some really interesting people, you can also meet some horrible people- retail is a great place to study human behavior. My biggest pet peeve of all, however is that people assume you are Walmart( open 24 hours) or that we are Taco bell (open late)- we are not and most retailers are not either-so my pet peeve is the nutballs that come in 5 minutes until closing time or at closing time! They are never people needing anything, "they are just looking"! Show your courtesy to your fellow working "man" and assume that we all want to go home at closing time too! We also don't get to just leave either- there are lights to be shut off, drawers to be counted, and so on- thank you!
Seriously next time check for a stores closing time or if you do have to come in close to closing time- take the time to apologize and at least pretend to have some sympathy for the workers waiting on you.

Seasons Change

I fully believe I need to move to somewhere where the sun shines 90% of the time..or buy a summer home..So when it gets cold I can get away and only come back for the snow! hehe..As insight though as the seasons change we need to learn to change. Since I live in a place with seasons, I must learn accept the seasons, the way they act and the way they change or don't change...The same goes for people and well, really ourselves. We all go through changes in our lives and we all act/respond to them differently. Some of us change and adapt, some us retreat, and some simply stay the some-unsure how to act.

The real test is to accept every season, every person, every self for who they are. The only person that can change them is themselves, just as the only person that can change the seasons is mother nature- we can not change them...

I must admit that this a hard lesson to learn and to accept. Why do we think  we can change others? ...We need to focus on ourselves and simply enjoy one another. So I challenge you to go home and hug your loved ones and simply think to yourself- you are in my life for a reason- I accept you for you and know that I can not change you. Remember you can change the way you think or leave the room when something does bother you. Just remember seasons change...

Ideal and Real

Do we ever find the courage to be our true-ideal selves? Is that possible? Is our ideal selves who we should strive for, or is it better to accept yourself as you are? How do you know who you are now is the person you really should be or are meant to be? I know I can't possibly be the only one that wonders that. I know you too have dreams of your "other" lives. The "If only.." game is a game everyone plays. If only I was thinner, I only I could have gotten an audition, if only I had the courage....the list goes on and on and varies for everyone. I know in a perfect world I would love everything about me...and not be so overly passionate about everything- than I could fall in love with one thing and full enjoy it. I know that is  kind of an odd request, but if you know me- you understand what I mean. Really I kind of wish that for everyone..To find their true love and that one passion that keeps them going everyday- that thing that makes life worth living. I still wonder why that is so hard to grasp? Why is it so hard to be true to ourselves? to our thoughts? to our hearts?

Blah Blah Blah

Ever feel like blah blah is all you really hear? Like you are Charlie Brown listening to his teacher? It seems the things I do not want to hear or really talk about, I just minimize to the blah, blahs...I must say that is not a good idea any any relationship in your life...yet on the flip side I often feel like the Charlie Brown teacher, like I'm the one blah,blahing..just repeating the same things over and over. I also feel like a tape player (yes I remember those and even still own a walkman-thank you very much) on fast forward where everything coming out of my mouth is too fast and too high pitched! It is usually when the nerves hit, it is like a tape player and the blah blahs when the depression sets it. It never ceases to amaze me how our emotions and moods effect our behaviors and  it also works that other way around. Think about it, you are in a great mood strolling around the house when you stub your toe, then hit your head, or slam your hand into the door..Now you are in a bad mood. Then in the reverse you are in a bad mood grumbling about your day when you slip and fall flat on your A$$- then you burst out laughing. It is always the little things that can make or break your day! 
To get back to the blah blahes- it always makes me feel worse- how does tuning out what you don't want to hear make you feel worse? Is it the guilt of ignoring someone? Or is it the realization that you may have missed something? Are we angry because we didn't listen or angry that all we had to comeback with was our own blah blahs...Grr I hate that! I sadly miss some of my teenage angst- where I could come back with a retort to just about anything at the drop of a hat. Now I kind of sit there with a blank look on my face..now granted that has its own element of fear...ha..ha, but it is that flailing feeling- like some how I just got the rug pulled out from under me..hate that feeling- how is the best way to recover from that? I know a quick retort is the wrong way- but at least I felt in control that way..some how sitting stone face doesn't work...so how to turn the blah blahs into real words? real conversations?

Childlike Behavior

Ahhh I am relishing in the quiet...I love my nieces and nephews, but I was  not prepared for their visit this week- in other words I did not child proof. I forgot that my house is a new playground of sorts, with new things they have never seen or touched. So touch they did-if wasn't nailed down that is- games pieces everywhere- my trophies-my stuffed animals- the list goes on--- they even ate my favorite fruit snacks that I take for lunch! Simply horrible- oh well what are you going to do- fight it and follow them around everywhere with paper towels and a hand vac? I think not- So the kids play, the adults talk and everything gets put back in its place when they leave....Done! lol- Now if I could only convince my body to take a nap I'd feel as good as new!
Exciting news though--my niece did poo-poo in the potty! How exciting! For me it is exciting because that means its sooner to when there are no more dirty diapers in my trash cans..until I have my own kids, but I will defiantly get one of those diaper trashcans that helps contain the smell...The fresh smell of urine in the morning is something no one should get used to! Ya know I will probably look back at this one day and laugh when my own kids are running around-but for now I get to relish in my clean,semi-organized-peed up diaper free- home! It was nice though to have some one so excited to see you and to watch the silliest things amuse them or make them laugh, if only life was that easy...I do wonder why it's not sometimes that simple- why do we forget that it is okay to laugh at the simplest things or to relish in a job well done? You all know that I feel like we never truly grow up, so why do we lose the child-like qualities that might actually help us survive being an adult? So I challenge you to go outside and look around-sit long enough to see the squirrels chase each other and giggle, or listen to some ducks- and giggle, maybe watch the leaves fall and giggle as if they were tickling you- go out and giggle as something to simply amuse yourself and remember that sometimes we all really do need to act like children.

sigh

You know we all have those days that just feels like a big sigh. It is just one of those days where you are tired- the day just seems to go on forever and you never really wind yourself up completely. I hate these days, it's like your nerves are on your skin and anything/everything bothers you. It's hard to get anything done, simply too much energy to muster. The upside to this story is this now comes in day spurts instead of weeks or months spurts.  Does anyone else notice that when you are really tired you seem to crave sugar and well, non-healthy things? I wonder why this is and it probably explains why my weight has gone up over the last couple of years...ugh so you are tired and crave fatty, sugary things- then you gain weight and then you have no energy to work out and it just goes round and round- why don't they prepare you for all these up and downs in school- screw algebra a+b=c, doesn't help you with life's up and downs...parents, siblings, mentors etc..help prepare your fledgelings to understand life...or at least how to navigate it...

Back from the Road

Ok- so I made it to and from with no problem..YAY. I rocked out in my car singing my heart all the way home- haha! I really felt like myself, it was nice just to sing, listen to loud music and drive, almost like mediation, except for all the quiet. I will say though that driving long distances really makes you question the direction of human kindness. I mean really if you have your blinker on and nobody lets you over? Yes that one car in front of you will really slow you down and delay your arrival. On the flip side... you should be sure your turn signal is not still on after changing lanes so everyone behind you is not confused about what the hell you are doing. If you are going to speed..fine- i get it- its kind of fun, but don't ride my bumper just to pass me, then slow down to the speed I was already going- thank you! Oh the other absolute rude thing is when signs are telling you for 5 miles the left or right lane is going to close- so you floor it up to the absolute possible merge point and send everyone else to screeching halt to let you over..or to a screeching halt because you decided to be idiotically brave and stick the nose of your car into traffic- literally forcing your way into an opening you shouldn't be allowed into...it's traffic rape! SHAME ON YOU! So all of us drivers should take a moment and remember to be kind and courteous so we can all enjoy our drive- singing included.