Holidays

Uggh holidays stress me out! No matter what you decide to do- somebody will be upset! It should not be about the day- it should be about spending a day together as a family-

Decisions, decisions, decisions

We make them everyday from what to wear, to what to eat, to how to do your hair, to how we put on our socks- everything is a decision. If we can all make these simple decision everyday with out agonizing over them, why do other decisions haunt us? Sometimes it is such a simple decision that we go over and over again in our heads, wishing we made a different one- why do we do that? We know after that decision is made and there is no going back? We make our decision usually on the knowledge that we have, yet the phrase, "if i knew then what I know now" I would never have done that.. but isn't that the point?- We didn't know that- that decision, that experience helped shape us into who we are now. Why is that so hard to accept- why are we so obsessed with trying to change- what we can't?
   

Another pet peeve

This is one of those things that drives me crazy and when a friend said something to remind me last night, It took all I had not to go into a long explanation why its done... Ok I hate comments about girls going to the bathroom together! Don't get me wrong there is a certain beer company that makes light of this on one of their "man up" commercials and I snicker, but this is not some female phenomenon- it is years of conditioning! Every little girl is sent to the bathroom with her mother, or older sibling or those "special" moments when the women's line is too long and she is sent to the men's room with father, but never alone. As a teenager you are told to always have a buddy everywhere you go- that includes the bathroom, luckily sharing a stahl is not required- but again never alone. Women simply adapted to going to the bathroom in a pack or at least in pairs. We simply evolved the concept to include girl talk, why not get a bonus out of having to go together? I do want to add as an adult women I will go to the restroom by myself, i do however make sure my husband will wait for me near the exit, just in case- i mean malls and stuff can be scary bathrooms- don't worry at a restaurant or something - i really do go by myself

Hoarding

Ahh hoarding, you some how that show is so addicting. It scares me that I understand if to a certain extent. I can understand holding onto things that have sentimental value. For me personally I would be more anxious if I was buried alive in my own house. How does it get to that point? When does your anxiety over letting things go overwhelm your anxiety for control.. Or how does clutter give you the illusion of control? I mean in watching this show, much of what is being hoarded is truly trash... How does that happen? How/ Why are we all wired ao differently that some anxiety leads to overzealous cleaning, while for some it created a world of walls?

Never good enough

Sigh... Ever feel like no matter how hard you try it's never enough...for somebody. It is not always the same person, but its the never ending circle of not knowing what to do... When do we accept we can not please everyone, we can only please ourselves and when we are happy that everything else will fall into place. Why is that so hard. I feel like I am always walking on needles and every once in awhile i miss a few only to be pushed right back onto the needle ridden path. When are we able to walk the path without being pricked...sigh does that path exist or do some of us simply have more calloused feet then the rest of us- oh how do we get there?

Patience

Patience is a virtue...one which I find hard to hold onto. Ironically I lose my patience with people who are impatient! Ha- Those people standing in line tapping their foot- when it takes a whole 5 minutes for you to check out at the self checkout, or the rude driver that cuts in front of you when they could have waited after you drove by- when there is no one behind you... On the flip side I am the one cursing (impatiently) when drivers block an entry/exit instead of leaving a gap for me to get out, I am also the one being kind enough for you to walk from the grocery to your car, yet tapping my foot because you are walking entirely to slow...then again a little evil part of me wants to run over those people that walk out right in front of you and don't even look- DUH a car is bigger than you!  I think one day I should write down when I am being impatient..out of curiosity of what I really don't have the patience for...And have you ever noticed your patience threshold varies on whom are with or whom are dealing with? I tend to force myself to be patient with customers, while losing patience with my family- I would argue that you assume your loved one know better, but the drivers I get impatient with are not my loved ones, so maybe it's really a matter of manners..you can be rude in your car..no one can hear you..lol- I think that is it..you can (although you shouldn't) be rude to your family, but you can not be rude to the people helping pay you and you can be rude to those that can't hear you...maybe manners is the virtue...not Patience...

Hypochondriac

I know that being a hypochondriac can be a symptom of anxiety/depression, but I fully believe there is something wrong with me. I know that doesn't exactly instill believability, but you know when you just don't feel right. I just hate that doctors seem so uninterested in your problems. Today i have called 3 different doctors with no luck at securing an appt.! Grrr I hate feeling that no one believes me! I mean i know several of my symptoms fit the physical symptoms of anxiety, but with going to a therapist and taking medication- they should be lessening not getting worse or not getting better! I know I don't feel right- how do you convince every one else?

Thoughts

I find that as someone dealing with anxiety and depression- lots of things seem to bother me for no particular reason. I get the physical signs first such as butterflies in my stomach, tense muscles and I find myself wondering, why am i getting like this?

I had a thought this evening- if we were truly honest with ourselves - we would know exactly why we are feeling this way. We so often try to hide our true feelings, most often I think it's because we are ashamed. Nobody wants to admit when they are fearful, jealous of a sibling, wanting more attention, or just feeling out of sorts. If we could learn to be completely honest with ourselves, we could learn to evaluate our feelings, making it much easier to deal with them before they overwhelm us. So I know that this is a personal channel for me and I hope you will try it with me!

Pet peeves

So for those of you that don't know, I work in retail- which can be a fun and exciting place to work- however it has its down falls. For example Holidays are a bust because it is so hard to get time off and you start seeing christmas things in OCTOBER! Another is while you can meet some really interesting people, you can also meet some horrible people- retail is a great place to study human behavior. My biggest pet peeve of all, however is that people assume you are Walmart( open 24 hours) or that we are Taco bell (open late)- we are not and most retailers are not either-so my pet peeve is the nutballs that come in 5 minutes until closing time or at closing time! They are never people needing anything, "they are just looking"! Show your courtesy to your fellow working "man" and assume that we all want to go home at closing time too! We also don't get to just leave either- there are lights to be shut off, drawers to be counted, and so on- thank you!
Seriously next time check for a stores closing time or if you do have to come in close to closing time- take the time to apologize and at least pretend to have some sympathy for the workers waiting on you.

Seasons Change

I fully believe I need to move to somewhere where the sun shines 90% of the time..or buy a summer home..So when it gets cold I can get away and only come back for the snow! hehe..As insight though as the seasons change we need to learn to change. Since I live in a place with seasons, I must learn accept the seasons, the way they act and the way they change or don't change...The same goes for people and well, really ourselves. We all go through changes in our lives and we all act/respond to them differently. Some of us change and adapt, some us retreat, and some simply stay the some-unsure how to act.

The real test is to accept every season, every person, every self for who they are. The only person that can change them is themselves, just as the only person that can change the seasons is mother nature- we can not change them...

I must admit that this a hard lesson to learn and to accept. Why do we think  we can change others? ...We need to focus on ourselves and simply enjoy one another. So I challenge you to go home and hug your loved ones and simply think to yourself- you are in my life for a reason- I accept you for you and know that I can not change you. Remember you can change the way you think or leave the room when something does bother you. Just remember seasons change...

Ideal and Real

Do we ever find the courage to be our true-ideal selves? Is that possible? Is our ideal selves who we should strive for, or is it better to accept yourself as you are? How do you know who you are now is the person you really should be or are meant to be? I know I can't possibly be the only one that wonders that. I know you too have dreams of your "other" lives. The "If only.." game is a game everyone plays. If only I was thinner, I only I could have gotten an audition, if only I had the courage....the list goes on and on and varies for everyone. I know in a perfect world I would love everything about me...and not be so overly passionate about everything- than I could fall in love with one thing and full enjoy it. I know that is  kind of an odd request, but if you know me- you understand what I mean. Really I kind of wish that for everyone..To find their true love and that one passion that keeps them going everyday- that thing that makes life worth living. I still wonder why that is so hard to grasp? Why is it so hard to be true to ourselves? to our thoughts? to our hearts?

Blah Blah Blah

Ever feel like blah blah is all you really hear? Like you are Charlie Brown listening to his teacher? It seems the things I do not want to hear or really talk about, I just minimize to the blah, blahs...I must say that is not a good idea any any relationship in your life...yet on the flip side I often feel like the Charlie Brown teacher, like I'm the one blah,blahing..just repeating the same things over and over. I also feel like a tape player (yes I remember those and even still own a walkman-thank you very much) on fast forward where everything coming out of my mouth is too fast and too high pitched! It is usually when the nerves hit, it is like a tape player and the blah blahs when the depression sets it. It never ceases to amaze me how our emotions and moods effect our behaviors and  it also works that other way around. Think about it, you are in a great mood strolling around the house when you stub your toe, then hit your head, or slam your hand into the door..Now you are in a bad mood. Then in the reverse you are in a bad mood grumbling about your day when you slip and fall flat on your A$$- then you burst out laughing. It is always the little things that can make or break your day! 
To get back to the blah blahes- it always makes me feel worse- how does tuning out what you don't want to hear make you feel worse? Is it the guilt of ignoring someone? Or is it the realization that you may have missed something? Are we angry because we didn't listen or angry that all we had to comeback with was our own blah blahs...Grr I hate that! I sadly miss some of my teenage angst- where I could come back with a retort to just about anything at the drop of a hat. Now I kind of sit there with a blank look on my face..now granted that has its own element of fear...ha..ha, but it is that flailing feeling- like some how I just got the rug pulled out from under me..hate that feeling- how is the best way to recover from that? I know a quick retort is the wrong way- but at least I felt in control that way..some how sitting stone face doesn't work...so how to turn the blah blahs into real words? real conversations?

Childlike Behavior

Ahhh I am relishing in the quiet...I love my nieces and nephews, but I was  not prepared for their visit this week- in other words I did not child proof. I forgot that my house is a new playground of sorts, with new things they have never seen or touched. So touch they did-if wasn't nailed down that is- games pieces everywhere- my trophies-my stuffed animals- the list goes on--- they even ate my favorite fruit snacks that I take for lunch! Simply horrible- oh well what are you going to do- fight it and follow them around everywhere with paper towels and a hand vac? I think not- So the kids play, the adults talk and everything gets put back in its place when they leave....Done! lol- Now if I could only convince my body to take a nap I'd feel as good as new!
Exciting news though--my niece did poo-poo in the potty! How exciting! For me it is exciting because that means its sooner to when there are no more dirty diapers in my trash cans..until I have my own kids, but I will defiantly get one of those diaper trashcans that helps contain the smell...The fresh smell of urine in the morning is something no one should get used to! Ya know I will probably look back at this one day and laugh when my own kids are running around-but for now I get to relish in my clean,semi-organized-peed up diaper free- home! It was nice though to have some one so excited to see you and to watch the silliest things amuse them or make them laugh, if only life was that easy...I do wonder why it's not sometimes that simple- why do we forget that it is okay to laugh at the simplest things or to relish in a job well done? You all know that I feel like we never truly grow up, so why do we lose the child-like qualities that might actually help us survive being an adult? So I challenge you to go outside and look around-sit long enough to see the squirrels chase each other and giggle, or listen to some ducks- and giggle, maybe watch the leaves fall and giggle as if they were tickling you- go out and giggle as something to simply amuse yourself and remember that sometimes we all really do need to act like children.

sigh

You know we all have those days that just feels like a big sigh. It is just one of those days where you are tired- the day just seems to go on forever and you never really wind yourself up completely. I hate these days, it's like your nerves are on your skin and anything/everything bothers you. It's hard to get anything done, simply too much energy to muster. The upside to this story is this now comes in day spurts instead of weeks or months spurts.  Does anyone else notice that when you are really tired you seem to crave sugar and well, non-healthy things? I wonder why this is and it probably explains why my weight has gone up over the last couple of years...ugh so you are tired and crave fatty, sugary things- then you gain weight and then you have no energy to work out and it just goes round and round- why don't they prepare you for all these up and downs in school- screw algebra a+b=c, doesn't help you with life's up and downs...parents, siblings, mentors etc..help prepare your fledgelings to understand life...or at least how to navigate it...

Back from the Road

Ok- so I made it to and from with no problem..YAY. I rocked out in my car singing my heart all the way home- haha! I really felt like myself, it was nice just to sing, listen to loud music and drive, almost like mediation, except for all the quiet. I will say though that driving long distances really makes you question the direction of human kindness. I mean really if you have your blinker on and nobody lets you over? Yes that one car in front of you will really slow you down and delay your arrival. On the flip side... you should be sure your turn signal is not still on after changing lanes so everyone behind you is not confused about what the hell you are doing. If you are going to speed..fine- i get it- its kind of fun, but don't ride my bumper just to pass me, then slow down to the speed I was already going- thank you! Oh the other absolute rude thing is when signs are telling you for 5 miles the left or right lane is going to close- so you floor it up to the absolute possible merge point and send everyone else to screeching halt to let you over..or to a screeching halt because you decided to be idiotically brave and stick the nose of your car into traffic- literally forcing your way into an opening you shouldn't be allowed into...it's traffic rape! SHAME ON YOU! So all of us drivers should take a moment and remember to be kind and courteous so we can all enjoy our drive- singing included.

On the Road Again

It is funny to me when you are driven by love sickness you will do anything. I used to drive 2.5 hours to see my boyfriend ( now husband) at least once a week if not twice a week! No fear and no care in the world, now I hate making that drive home. 2.5 hours is too long to be in a car by yourself. I have become spoiled since my husband is always with me on these trips- what are you going to do. I just need to put by big girl panties on and blast my 80's music and enjoy the drive I guess. I really have been dealing with my anxiety pretty well, but I must admit right now my heart is racing and I do not want to get in that car... I love my car...but I don't want to be alone with her for 2.5 hours....sigh ok here I go- suck it up, breathe in and out, breathe in and out...on the road again....

Gut feelings

We all have that little voice in our heads..you know the one we usually ignore?  Or that feeling in the pit of your stomach..that something is not right? Or maybe even a tingling sensation over your entire body? Why do we so often not listen to that little voice/feeling? How do we test and know that it is correct.. we all know that sometimes it's wrong, but what if it's not? Would we all be better off if we learned to listen and trust our gut? If we did it more often, maybe we could fine tune it and know when to really listen and when not to. I know that there have been several times that I think i should have listened to my gut and I wouldn't be in this situation. Sigh... it is so hard to trust yourself, when there are so many other voices to tell you that you are wrong..or maybe wrong- just enough doubt yourself. Why is it so easy to cast doubt in yourself? Why are we not built to be head strong and confident? All of us should be built to have confidence, and graciousness. We can be confident in ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts, yet gracious enough to listen to other ideas and thoughts...ahh a perfect world right?

I dont want to grow up

It happens to all of us we wake up one day and realize we are adults- although I have decided that is not much different then being a kid. Yes there are more responsibilities, you know paying bills, getting a job, but ultimately I think that is it. I feel like that all adult issues can be directly compared to children's issues.."it's my toy- so you can't have it"...."My toy is bigger/better than your toy"..well " he/she hit me first"...I mean stop and think about it...we never really graduate..we never really grow up. The issues we deal with as children and teenagers seems to haunt us for the rest of our lives. We always fight to find ourselves among our friends, co-workers and families. We struggle with our self image, self esteem and trying to fit in with some group- maybe not always the "cool" kids, but a group none the less.  We still struggle with trusting ourselves and our decisions. We still deal with bullies and may even find ourselves being the bully. I personally struggle with finding my big girl voice, I think we all our scared children inside our big adult bodies. I find it hard to stand up to people older than me and to stand my ground. I always feel like I am being judged because I am the younger one, I feel a lot of people see me and assume that I am young that I couldn't possibly understand. See? Again we always feel like a kid and in reality we will always be a kid to someone. There will always be some one older than us that assumes we are too young to understand. I really hate it- It seems no matter how strong I get there is always somewhere that (I let) strike me down. I will admit a lot if its on me, on us- we have to rise above, but it seems harder when the person is older or more established that us. How do we respect our elders and when do we stand on our own and understand we are on the same playing field?

Sleepy..very sleepy`

Why is sleep so allusive? How is it possible to fall asleep long enough to dream, but not long enough to feel rested? I was really unaware that I would need to play a game of hide and seek with sleep, or maybe it is a game of tag...maybe that is why I am losing; I don't know what game I am playing! My eyes will be so heavy they can't stay open, yet as soon as I lay my head on the pillow I am awake..or at least my mind is..  I was really starting to get good at shutting my brain off at night, at least trying not to actively think of things that needed to be done, didn't get done, or something bothering me. I have been using a noise machine of waves-so that I can concentrate on the sounds of the waves..and not the chirping of my thoughts. When I do get a thought- I complete it, then tell myself that I need to stop and let it go. I try to imagine the old play-dough hair salon..you know the one where you put the little person on the salon chair and push play-dough through it to make hair? I try to imagine my mind pushing the thoughts out and cascading out of my head...hey everyone has there own way. Although I guess since sleep has been evading me for 2 nights its not a good way! We should have been created with a thought switch- so we could turn it off!

Oh well..So I wonder why I am always so fearful about everything I do? I usually am good at what I do, yet I am almost always on the defense, ready in case I do something wrong. For example my boss just texted me about some fabrics that she had called and asked me to pull for her...I did it- now I am petrified that I grabbed the wrong ones..like butterflies in the stomach and everything...I am trying to tell myself if it was really that urgent she would have 1) done it herself, 2) texted me before 9:30, but then I really don't want to disappoint and not do it right...sigh perfectionism is such a silly goal...someday I will grasp that right? To ease my anxious mind- I should have texted her pictures of what I had pulled-see learning from mistakes (listening to the little voice in my head) Yes I need to learn from my mistakes and understand that it happens to everyone..and most people are forgiving and laid back..of course that is on minor things-surgeries or permanent mistakes are not so easily forgiven. In other words learn to only make small mistakes to avoid big mistakes, right? If it were that simple to digest-- I wouldn't have a blog about anxious thoughts, that my dear readers are why they are anxious thoughts..because they are usually irrational stemming from the rational- Rational thinking is I want to make my boss happy- Irrational is fearing disappointing her and have butterflies until I hear I did a good job---Duh - In other words anxious people can make great employees- as long as we are anxious about pleasing and doing a good job..why do I feel like I just described the winning qualities in a dog ?

ahhh..football and funny tv

Hmm football games and Community....FUNNY SHOW... roasted chicken, mac & cheese, mashed potatoes and uhhh cranberry lemondae :) That is all---

Chainsaws really grind me gears

So we had a pretty large tree fall in yard a few weeks ago- not a good sound when you are trying to go to bed I would like to add. Then several limbs fell again and ripped all the cables out of our house...so no power, no cable, and a phone line laying in our yard. We finally got all the lines fixed (I'll spare you that long story..for now anyway) and now someone my husband works with is helping cut the tree down into manageable pieces. I want to say it scares me that two computer geeks, um IT Developers..are running chainsaws in my backyard. I also want to express that hearing the chainsaw go on and on and on, is really grating on my nerves. It borders on that hole nails on a chalkboard...It makes me cringe just minus the cold chills. Why can't they make things like that with a muffler or something so that the entire neighborhood doesn't have to listen to it...and me--since I am above the noise in the living room...gaaaa. On the happy side of life I had Starbuck's Caramel Apple Spice...HMMM warms the soul on a nippy day! On the sadder side of life I got my new license picture done today..BLEH... I hate having a bad picture...hopefully it will grow on me like my last one lol. Oh I also finished a new wreath today, wuhu- that includes felt flowers and all ( as mentioned in my last post) it looks good and my "client" loves it! Can't wait to give it to her! I will also have a new website too to sell my wreaths and floral arrangements...that is if my husband ever finishes and does it the way I want. We have been having..umm Creative differences so far...hopefully I, the "client" will triumph!

Felt Flowers

Who ever said that felt flowers are easy...I think they were wrong- Just looking at the plans are not at all how I thought it would go! Here is hoping I don't psych myself before I even start! On second thought, I'm sure I won't, only because I am making them for a friend's wreath. It is my new side business venture- I was hoping CAD work would be, but that didn't pan out so why not go to something I enjoy doing? Creating Wreaths and Floral arrangements- besides the potential anxiety over deadlines, this could be very therapeutic for me. I think it will be a great  for my self esteem- people buying my products and all..then again if no one buys any then it might have a negative effect..here is to happy thoughts and a positive outlook right?

This then that

Well lets recap the day shall we? This morning I got to work 10 minutes early only to discover I left my phone at home! I would normally leave it, but my boss sometimes texts me if she is not in the office and I was planning to run an errand after work, so I wanted to be able to tell my husband where I was going after work. So I drove all the way back- definitely  a mini panic attack, luckily I was only 5 minutes late. Then through out the day it just seemed I couldn't focus, I would set something down and forget why! Duh, I also seemed to go from one task to another- I was up on ladders, on the phone, running errands- it was a fast paced work day!  On my way home I apparently irritated a runner, because after I made my turn( I had a green light) he hit my car! Really dude? I swung wide so that I could make the turn through the crosswalk before he even got there! He continued to run and then hit my car with his hand! Talk about Road Rage- I had half a mind to stop the car and yell choice words at him! He had the ability to slow down- don't want to slow your pace while you run? then run somewhere where you don't have to cross the road-DUR! Oh well, I get home and also realized I brought my boss's credit card home!! that's a big oops- so I will be a nervous wreck until I can return it- this is when I wish I had keys- then I could drop it off into her office tonight- but I can't :/ Oh well, she knows I have it-- so phew a little I guess...

Oh I need to apologize for my first post apparently- my husband read it and said I horribly mistyped- and misspelled- I warned you - the sad things is I spelled checked it and read it through- So I guess I can't read either! Oh sad sad day when you have to say that right? LOL
I really can spell and read I promise :)

OLS Syndrome

The thing I really hate about an anxious mind is the fact that it feels like my brain is running on a hamster wheel! It just keeps going and going-jumping form one thought to another. These aren't always new thoughts either, it's most often the same handful of thoughts that get analyzed to death, but never makes you feel better. On the flip ides there is a part of my brain that is able to distract itself. Such as spotting a squirrel cleaning itself on a branch outside my kitchen window, and that is enough to distract the hamster wheel! So not only do I suffer from anxiety- I suffer from OLS, "Oh Look Shiny" Syndrome! I do think that if we all don't have a little OLS syndrome we would all wallow in our self pity and depression. Having the ability to appreciate that silly thing, or the funny thing, or something that just shocks your brain silent- is what keeps most of us a float. Think about how many times you have been in a conversation and see something out of the corner of your eye..and it makes you go "uhh..", "oooo"... or "wow". Come on admit it it has happened to you and its usually something silly- like awesome shoes, a cool car, a hot guy/girl, a silly outfit, the oblivious person that walks into something...the list goes on... Thank you for OLS Syndrome to distract our silly little minds!

First Blog

Breathe, Just breathe... I seem to tell myself that a lot....

As a person that deals with anxiety and depression, I am always astounded at what my mind can come up with. So why not share some of my anxious genius with all of you? Why not create a place where anyone can express those random thoughts that stem from over thinking or being the worry wart?

Writers..(Un)block:

I have found journaling to be very therapeutic for me and I will try to pass along remedies to you too! I promise not to put every graphoc detail fo my life anf my crazy brain, but I will try tp post highlights of anxiety attatcks to tears to fits of giggles.

Spoiler alert:

I will also warn you my typing is horrible, so it really isnt that I can't spell, its that I can't type and I dont always remember to proofread  ( see anxiety ;) )

To my readers and fellow bloggers:

So Welcome to the roller coaster of my anxious mind, 

don't worry no admission fee or tickets required!