Overwhelmed

I hate when you feel like you have been walking down the yellow brick road and you are finally going to meet the wizard...then bam the feeling the wicked witch is watching you through her crystal ball comes over you. That eerie feeling that a flying monkey is going to grab you and take you away! Sigh with so much going on in life its hard to ever feel like you are going to get to the wizard and find out you really are just fine minus a little boost in confidence- do we ever truly become stable adults? Or do we just push forward with life and hope that the instability becomes more of a slight dizziness? Do we ever get to the end?

Stuck

Ever get that feeling like your stuck? I have so many dreams, wishes, and goals I want to get to, yet i still glued in place-reaching for the stars and missing. I keep trying to move myself forward- with a result of moving 3 steps back- I feel like I have been in a daze state for the last 3 years of my life. Why was I not paying attention to where my life was going? Is it possible to run out of time? Could I have missed my opportunity to achieve something more? Is being fed up enough to move on? How much more does it take? Looking and searching isn't helping- I want to be doing, but how- where do you start- how do you get there- you know that happy place where things fall into place- where you finally feel like you made it- do we ever get to that place? I want the "perfect" job, i want the nice house, i want the little once- the only thing I have really accomplished is marrying a great guy- which don't get me worng is awesome- but i want more for myself- I don't want to just "marry well" i want to know I can stand on my own two feet and that we both married well! I am so excited about where we want our life to go...I am just getting very impatient waiting to get there... i hate waiting...waiting....waiting...

Opinions

Everyone has an opinion, most of us try to express our often. My question is why? Why to we try so hard to express our opinions? Is it just because we want people to listen to us or do we just want to sway others to our opinions? If we want people to just listen and respect it- how to we know they are really listening? How do listen to an opinion and acknowledge it, but at the same time express your own? I hate expressing my opinion and someone acting like i didn't say anything?! I do wonder if this is on me or the other person? Am I the one that thinks they are not listening, simply because they didn't change their opinion to mine? Or is it really that they don't hear me? How do we graciously offer and receive opinions?

Tears...

I usually hate that burning sensation on my lower lids, or that lump in my throat...but sometimes the cool drippings down my cheeks are exactly what I need. I think sometimes tears can be the best way to let your emotions out-it is often more effective than screaming- although sometimes that feels good to. It never ceases to amaze me what people can endure through out a day and how different things unravel different people. I watched my boss get beat down by a man's onslaught of words- yet she stood there and took it with a smile- granted I think that was a way for her to cover up the fact that she was grinding her teeth- but still, I stood there just listening and nearly cried! The way that the man spoke to her was completely degrading and no matter what- nobody deserves that- yet she took it in stride- I on the other hand was ready to break into tears after I was passed over for advice all day- and being used mainly as a mule- that is what i get for being 25 i guess- I hate that I am really a strong outspoken person, but that has bitten me so many times in the past- that at this job I try very hard not to speak out to often- or try to be to domineering and now that seems to be biting me in the butt! How can you assert yourself without coming off as a control freak? How can I prove that I can be a great worker, but not get used/abused? Why do people expect you to be able to do everything? Why is not ok to just have a "job"- a task that is tailored for/by you-one you can do to perfection over and over? No instead they want you to do several hundred things well- Its lunacy to me! Am I the only that feels this way? Is that why I end up having issues with everyone I work for? Is it truly me or the jobs I find myself in..?

Finally- someone listened

Well today I finally went somewhere that actually thinks that something may be wrong with me..I mean besides the obvious idiosyncrasies and anxiety. :) I spoke with someone that looked at me eye to eye, comforted me with an explanation that actually made sense to me. He spoke to me like I knew something was wrong with my body. He spoke to me like I wasn't crazy or a hypochondriac- now let's hope my blood work actually turns something up- but I think these doctors will not let me leave with out an answer or solution to my problem...wish me luck!

Crossing Paths

Take a minute and think about all the people you meet. The guy that lets you merge over, the girl at the checkout, the friend you called, the spouse you cuddle with at night...what effect do you have on these people? Do you leave a good impression on the strangers you meet? Do make your friends and family love you a little bit more each time you meet them? Could you actually be pushing them each time you meet them? What effect do you have on them? Do they look to you for advice? for support? or do the just wait for you to leave? What about the people you teach? Are you leaving a positive impression on them? Will they look back on their lives and remember you? Will they remember what you taught them- did you inspire them to do great things? Did you inspire them to do better? Wouldn't it be great if you could know those things? Most people don't stop and thank you for what you do or did. If you have never thanked that school teacher, karate instructor, the dance teacher, the relative that helped guide you- maybe you should- let them know they improved your life- and hey maybe if they didn't let them know that too- help improve their lives- Take time to thank those around you- for whatever it is they do/help in your life-

Destiny

Destiny is, according to Wikipedia, a predetermined course of events. It may be conceived as a predetermined future, whether in general or of an individual. Okay well that sounds good and all..but what is it really? Are we all destined to accomplish certain things in life..is it all great things? How do we know if we fulfill our destinies? Is that why some of us feel at odds with our life and life decisions-because we have not fulfilled our destinies? How are we supposed to figure out what that is? Although, it does seem some of us are destined for certain things- that  kid that bandages all his pets becomes a great vet, the child that plays classroom with dolls becomes a teacher- but some of us are not so easy to figure out. What about all us "artsy" people- the ones that seem to "drift"- are we not destined for greatness as well? Many of us also have multiple passions- how can we choose which passion will lead us to our destiny? Obviously I am feeling a bit conflicted- I feel as is I am missing something..something is missing in my life- I feel like an incomplete puzzle- Is it my anxiety? Is it my depression? Is it my job? My marriage? My family? Where is my conflict stemming from? Is it because I know I am missing something? Do I subconsciously know that I am on the wrong path or that i need to start looking for a new path? Am I just stubborn for thinking that I meant to do more in my life-than what I am doing now? Is this something that everyone feels or just some us? Does it really mean we are missing something? I do  think that we all have purpose in life and that we mean something to someone..but I think we need to  mean the most to ourselves. If we are not happy with ourselves we can not be happy for or with anyone else. The big question is how do we get there? How do we find ourselves- get to our destinies-or at least get to where we feel fulfilled- There of course is not easy answer to this question, but can't someone at least provide a road map?

The D-Word

The D-word...that horrible word that married couples never want to hear...DIVORCE..why is this word so scary- it is just a word right? It is often said in times of frustration..hurt....or anger..but that word can leave an emotional scar the size of the grand canyon. It causes such pain and floods of tears. Why is it so scary? Unless your spouse actually says- "I want a divorce" it is just a word right? Wrong- it brings up so many emotions- why did they say that word? Did they mean? Would he/she really leave me? Can we fix this? Are they right?  Is is because it seems so easy and common that when that word is uttered that we all clench? Why does it feel like the wind has been knocked out of you? My advice is to outlaw that word in your marriage- Make it so that you can't/won't say it in an argument- that is one of those words that can not just be taken back or erased- it will overshadow everything you say and do for awhile after- petrifying you- being overly cautious in everything you say and do- and can drive a large wedge between you and your spouse- Just a word huh? Sticks and Stones right?  WRONG- Emotional scars heal slower than the physical ones- watch what you say- you never know if you can really take it back.

Noisy neighbors

For the record you can have good neighbors, but that doesn't mean they are quiet! This is worse when there is a young man living there too. Our neighbors have such a child that is into automobiles..and thinks it is appropriate to park the selections in front of our house- which drives me crazy!!! I worked hard on my house to get tit o look nice- your pos car is not part of it. Also they think is ooohhh soo much fun to rev the car(s) during the day and night- Loud roaring engines is not a sound I like to hear at anytime of the day- Especially if I am trying to relax on my back porch or relax with the dog- but can't because my dog hates loud noises! Grrr- It is not that they are bad neighbors- they mow the lawn- keep the house looking nice- but the cars are enough to drive me batty and I find it terribly rude and inconsiderate- thank goodness I don't have kids that may be taking naps or I would be raising you know what!

Sigh and the ramble begin

That is how I feel- someone let the air out of my sails and I am not sure why? I think I'm just feeling a little ucky about my life...Need some direction and a few more ounces of confidence..I find myself being more and more jealous of others. I mean everything..someone's wedding, someone's new furniture, someone's body,..the list goes on. I don't recall feeling this way before...I think its because my confidence has waned so much over the last few years- i mean I moved to a new city- new jobs- new dance kids- well new ev everything... I think I let myself get lost and the things that I drew the little bit of confidence i had was gone- I was no longer surrounded by my friends- my dance family- my favorite boss- I lost my body that I had worked hard to achieve- All of it gone and all that was left was me... I struggle with feeling good about my jobs..I want something I am proud of...I want to be more proud of my marriage..I want to be more proud of me..How I handle life and my feelings- The only thing in this life I can truly control is me...I need to start doing that...I can control it...I can let things drag me down-or i can move past them...One situation is particularly hard....I now someone getting married and I am not sure how i feel about the fiance..On top of that I don't know anybody at the wedding and the few I do- will probably not want to see me..great right- you would think this would cause me anxiety- not depression- yet I just get extremely sad when i think about it...I get sad thinking about anyone's wedding- I did to many things at mine that were not for me..STUPID- the wedding is for you and your fiance or at least it should be....Gaaa ya know when did i become this person- one that just rolls over and doesn't fight for what she wants...I want more out of my life...This isn't the life that I thought I would have- which is so dumb because in some ways I have a better life than I thought I might have..I need to to get over the expectation of what I thought...I need to create a new picture of my life..one that is fluid..one that can change...but one that I am happy about and proud of!

" A change should do you good"

A change is sometimes the best thing for you or the worst thing for you! Maybe you are excited about an upcoming move? A new place to start over? What if the things that were changing before you left- follow you? Arguments with your spouse-anxiety and depression- family problems.. the list goes on.... I know I would like a fresh start- but I guess you need to resolve things before trying to make a change... Some many things- so little time- right? It is funny to me how things change so quickly that sometimes you miss it...and only notice when the change is over. Ever look at yourself in the mirror and wonder who is staring back at you? It could be because you are not happy, gained weight- lost too much weight- Isn't it funny how you miss the process? It is not just you that goes through changes either- Your family grows up around you- your spouse changes- things that were cute are annoying- things that were annoying now cause laughter--how does all this change happen right underneath our noses?

Beer for thought

Umm yeah that beer commercial where the girls get hotter with the beer? Excuse me? Why don't the douchey looking guys change? The party only gets started when the girls are hot? Don't get me wrong, i think every girl tries to look good when going out, but girls want good looking guys too- so i will drink the beer that turns all the guys hot- how about that!?

A random Pet Peeve

As I am blogging I am watching TV- it is really a horrible habit - but sitting in a quiet empty house is a little creepy- anyway I notice there are so many of these commercials about "Did you take this drug? Contact us you may be entitled to money" This really gets under my skin as many of these drugs have the warnings on the label! DUH its like suing the tobacco company when you have been smoking your whole life- IT IS ON THE PACKAGE its is BAD FOR YOU! It just irritates me that the law system is so backed up with frivolous law suits!. I think it is wrong to push lawsuits on people. - the end

Communitcation

We all learn to speak at a young age..yet why do we found it so hard to speak to one another? When do we start to assume people know what we are thinking or feeling? I know it is stereotypically a "women" thing, but I think this a problem we all suffer from. How often do you tell your boss what is wrong with you, when they ask you? Especially if you are upset with them. When your significant other asks you "what's wrong?" how often to you answer or tell the truth? Why do we start thinking the other person can read our minds or assume they should know what is wrong? Why do we learn to speak when we can't learn to communicate? Why are we so fearful of saying what is really on our minds? Granted it feels sometimes that even when we do speak our minds that the other person is not really listening- but you end up feeling icky either way right? So why not just spit it out at least then you have a real reason to be upset.

Nagging

Yup the nagging feeling is back and of course i have no idea why- although i am happy to report that our dog was fine while we were gone and so was i :) - lol anyway that nagging feeling... Like something is pulling at the back of my mind- maybe its the book i am reading- i get too involved sometimes and forget that i am not part of the story, nor is it real. Maybe thats it? Maybe its that i havent been diligent in my journaling... I am sure that is part if it- it is easier to keep my head on straight when i can kind of lay my thoughts out in black and white- i also go to the dr tom... Which may provide bad news or worse no news at all, sadly knowing/learning nothing is just as bad as bad news...maybe its just a little bit of everything-job is going ok- getting burnt out and i am finding it harder to clean to hope that I will truly be happy with where i am at... In my job and in life... No wonder my brain is such a nag- too much to think about with no desire to think about it...

Airports, boarding and carry-ons-aaaggghh!

Why does air travel have to be so exhausting!? I am not sure what all the airlines thought would happen when they decided to start charging for bags- did they think people would just roll over and say "oh yes we would love to pay outlandish fees for our bags that you throw under the plane!"So now it takes forever to board a flight because everyone is trying to cram all their things in a carryon bag and then trying to cram it in a limited amount of spaces- duh! In addition to this hassle as you struggle to cram your carry on it the overhead bin- 15+ people are behind you waiting to get to their seat and hoping they can cram their carry on too! Hmmm i have an idea if as an airline you deem in necessary to assign your passengers seats then you should probably board accordingly- fine board first class first- but proceed to board the plane from the back to the front- then you don't have a line out of the plane trying to get on! It seems logical to me- ok so after you do all this nearly all the flight attendants are rude, mean, or sarcastic! No, I said most, not all - and i get you deal with rude people, crying babies, and well dumb people- but u can't return the attitude or give it to those that just simply sat down in your section- and don't get me started on the -hardly ever nice - people that check your bags at security- you already get to watch me unpack my bag to send through your stupid machines, make me remove my shoes and then are rude to me? This whole unpack, scan, redress, repack routine is not my idea of fun either- my bad if i didn't use enough bins for you or separate my computer from everything else- sheesh - you chose this job right? Pretend to enjoy and it would go by much better! Thank you and goodnight. !

Doggy anxiety

My anxiety has really come a long way- i am getting good at saying, " it is not my fight or concern"- I am in no way saying I still don't get upset or irrational about things- I simply have gotten better at leaving it at an irrational fit and not letting it bog me down. So with so many steps forward why am I so anxious about leaving my dog for a week? I am gripped with irrational fear that something will happen to her or she will hate us for leaving her! I know she is a dog and will be fine- it really only took her a couple of weeks to fully accept us and that this her home. Will she forget that if we are gone too long? The rational part of me knows better, but the "motherly" part of me wells up with tears thinking about it! This is the first time we are leaving her... So i know it will get better- i am sure this is close to how a new mother feels when she leaves her baby...and yet I am speaking about a dog... Seriously if kids can forgive their parents for leaving them for days at a time, our dog will forgive us too- maybe that is how I should look at it- she is going to "grandma's" house- where she will be spoiled with constant attention and multiple walks a day! Maybe she will loves us more for treating her to suck a great week- ok- phew that is how to help get over leaving her and maybe calling some references ;)

The hmmms

I am not sure what to call it- I will call it the hmms- i will call it this because you feel like you are buzzing.. It also feels like something is bothering you, but you can not pin point it. It is kind of like have something in the bottom of your shoe, but when you take your shoe off- you can't see anything- so you put it back on, only to feel like something is still there. I do think perhaps it is trying to find a dog sitter- i realize that sounds odd. Let me explain- my husband and i will be going out of town and will need someone to watch our dog- i think realizing that i know no one in this town is hitting me. I am also realizing i burned some bridges when i was so angry prior to my therapy. I am also realizing I am anxious about leaving my dog for a week! How sad! I know she will be fine, but it is part of my being to worry- sigh i am stilling feeling that buzz....hmmmmmm

"Misplace"

There are so many silly things in life.. such as earlier I was vacuuming while eating cookie...ya know that may have been a little bit counter productive... crumbs should be in front of the vacuum not behind it lol! Before I began vacuuming, I had a bit of a cord problem... My cord had managed to turn itself into a knot! Have you ever noticed that cords, light, and anything cord like manages to do that? How can you lay something down then pick it up and it is in a knot? Are they secretly snakes that coil themselves when you are not watching? Or what about leftover containers? Why can you only find the lid or the bottom, but most often you can not find them both when you need them?  Oh.. I know the biggest mystery...where do socks go? How do they get lost from wash to dryer??  Here in our house we "misplace" things all the time- I have decided there is a cubby where a ghost or gnome of some kind is hoarding them..lost socks, lost weather radio, lost rings.... If I ever find them all, the gnome/ghost will be receiving a very big talking to...

been a while

I apologize to those you do read my blog- I have been a bit MIA- So big news!
There is a new love in my life- well two actually- the main one is our new dog! It's so great and I must say most of the time she is a great stress reliever- You just look at the face and those ears and you just can't stay mad or anxious or when she jumps up on you and smiles! My other new love is a great new shampoo/conditioner! I know the two don't really compare, but a great shampoo highly contributes to a great hair day and that relates to a better day! It truly is the little things that make or break a day- You have to find joy in the little things to get over the horrible bad things. Whether its family issues, marriage issues, work issues, or whatever- if you can hold on to those small things that make you happy about your family, your marriage, or your work- it helps make the bad seem a little less bad... Hold onto the small things and it will help get you through the day! :)